Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The fall of Alvis
The fall of Alvis ... He died and returned on Alvis Sunday ... How you may ask? More to follow at a later date
The continuation - Cliff Notes Alvis
After his venture into teenhood he rode against Texas and destroyed the Alamo where in pure alvis fashion preceeded to urinate on the building due to his drunkeness and consumation of much brandy that day. Thus this inspired Ozzy many years later to relive Alvis's quest on his pilgrimage for Ozzy is an Alvian unbeknownst to many. After killing many Texans he then turned on his Mexican allies, for his bloodlust had not yet been quenched. It was at this time he led a band of commanchees to conquer Quetziquotal and Montezuma. He parted the Rio Grande to lead his blood thirsty chiefs on a quest which involved poisoning the water supply with ExLax which still runs through the supply of water in Mexico to this day. Most would ride a Horse into battle but this is merely too small for the greatness of Alvis . . . He chose instead to ride a rhino, which he had tamed many years earlier using tranquilizers and Alvis' special brand ESP. When Alvis reached capitol he was appalled at what he saw, many a young woman with no children to call thier own. He thus unsheathed his savior staff and preceeded to populate the city with many Alvises for he was very viril reguardless of the constant whiskey drinking. Alvis and his pet rhino; Roy, rulled the town for 5 years through iron fist dictatorship where he had his pyrimid built (though later destroyed) he killed almost 2000 people in his 5 year rule which inluded many a witch and many a blasphemer. Those who died on his watch died under two main techniques: Drawn and Quartered, and Cannon which he had seen on the Discovery Channel.
When he grew bored of rulling Mexico he made his way to the rockies where he had heard were many cougars to be killed and lots of gold. Though he found no cougars save a handful and no gold he did find a young boy, Davy Crockett, wrestling a bear. When approched Alvis proclaimed "Why does though fight this bear? has it wronged you in some way?" Crockett stated "this bear has stolen my sister's virginity (an obvious lie told to Crockett by the sister when he had found her hymen had been breached) and I must now avenge her!" "But this bear is mearly an animal and has no interst in humanly flesh for if he did your sister would surely be consumed and in the belly of this magnificant beast!" thus Alvis spoke. "perhaps you are correct in this manner, please tell me more mr. uh I dont even know your name..." "Call me Alvis, I am the former king of Mexico and the savior un this land. I will show you how to tame this bear and use him to devour your enemies as I have tamed this rhino to follow me. Your sister is a blasphemer and most likely a witch who has found kind another man other than yourself and must thereby be punished for her wickedness!!" spoke Alvis.
The proceeded to hunt down the sister and found her as Alvis had said, in the arms of a young bloke with a full set of teeth and a scar that resembled the Rio Grand. Alvis lifted his arms and with the help of a drunken bear tore the man limb from limb. It was only through the conversion of Crocketts sister to Alvinism at the last second that she was spared from the same demise. Her punishment could not be forgon entirely and thus she was forced to have one eye removed so that her vision of Alvis shall always be clear and true.
It was then that Alvis had disapeared in the middle of the night to travel to New Orleans for there was much partying to be had as Fat Tuesday approached and he was not one to forgo a good drunken titty filled time. Alvis made his way down the Louisiana Trail to a town outside of New Orleans in Shreveport where he befreinded several soldiers who had contracted syphilis the week before. He lifted his arms and thus healed them of their sores and decided they shall accompany him to the bowels of the south for a raunchy week of debauchery.
The tale is frought with disaster as unknown to Alvis and his fellow soldiers a storm is brewing in the Gulf, one which has already consumed several gold laden ships bound for the pirate port of the Keys.
When he grew bored of rulling Mexico he made his way to the rockies where he had heard were many cougars to be killed and lots of gold. Though he found no cougars save a handful and no gold he did find a young boy, Davy Crockett, wrestling a bear. When approched Alvis proclaimed "Why does though fight this bear? has it wronged you in some way?" Crockett stated "this bear has stolen my sister's virginity (an obvious lie told to Crockett by the sister when he had found her hymen had been breached) and I must now avenge her!" "But this bear is mearly an animal and has no interst in humanly flesh for if he did your sister would surely be consumed and in the belly of this magnificant beast!" thus Alvis spoke. "perhaps you are correct in this manner, please tell me more mr. uh I dont even know your name..." "Call me Alvis, I am the former king of Mexico and the savior un this land. I will show you how to tame this bear and use him to devour your enemies as I have tamed this rhino to follow me. Your sister is a blasphemer and most likely a witch who has found kind another man other than yourself and must thereby be punished for her wickedness!!" spoke Alvis.
The proceeded to hunt down the sister and found her as Alvis had said, in the arms of a young bloke with a full set of teeth and a scar that resembled the Rio Grand. Alvis lifted his arms and with the help of a drunken bear tore the man limb from limb. It was only through the conversion of Crocketts sister to Alvinism at the last second that she was spared from the same demise. Her punishment could not be forgon entirely and thus she was forced to have one eye removed so that her vision of Alvis shall always be clear and true.
It was then that Alvis had disapeared in the middle of the night to travel to New Orleans for there was much partying to be had as Fat Tuesday approached and he was not one to forgo a good drunken titty filled time. Alvis made his way down the Louisiana Trail to a town outside of New Orleans in Shreveport where he befreinded several soldiers who had contracted syphilis the week before. He lifted his arms and thus healed them of their sores and decided they shall accompany him to the bowels of the south for a raunchy week of debauchery.
The tale is frought with disaster as unknown to Alvis and his fellow soldiers a storm is brewing in the Gulf, one which has already consumed several gold laden ships bound for the pirate port of the Keys.
The Origins of Alvis
Alvis is a loner, fighter, and nomad of the souls of the damned. He is the hero that raises up and smacks a bitch down. He is the true savior of the destitute for he is not afraid to use force and a sidearm to establish order and reign. This is how Alvis came to BE. This is only the 3rd incarnation of Alvis for he has returned many times. Unlike Christ who has only returned once (or so the government would like you to believe , goddamned Area 51) Alvis has returned multiple times for he desires mre whiskey and more followers and he has many enemies for which he needs to smite that he hasn't smote already. This is the story of 3rd Alvis as told by Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy former leader of SeaLab and now Patron Saint of the Mustache....
"On a Frosty Winter's night a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party called Delia, was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely. And on this frosty winter's night, young Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneer's beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But, due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the hospital was full. And So there in the the stable among the feed and the tack the yuh uh whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called Alvis as was her wont.And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided among them that the birth of this child must truly be a miracle!
And it was so... for above the fort, there suddenly and miraculously appeared an awesome and mighty comet! And so brilliant was its light, that there came from all the tribes, (which the soldiers had not yet decimated), shamans! And they rode upon Buffalo, as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts - offerings of whiskey and firearms. and when the shamans saw the child they were in awe... for he glowed as if bathed in a light which was truly not of this world."
This is merely the beginning of his tale for much of his story of revenge and killing takes place in his later years for he carried a grudge so pure and evil for not knowing his father he smote many bitches and roamed many a city to carry out the veangence of your sins.
"On a Frosty Winter's night a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party called Delia, was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely. And on this frosty winter's night, young Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneer's beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But, due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the hospital was full. And So there in the the stable among the feed and the tack the yuh uh whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called Alvis as was her wont.And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided among them that the birth of this child must truly be a miracle!
And it was so... for above the fort, there suddenly and miraculously appeared an awesome and mighty comet! And so brilliant was its light, that there came from all the tribes, (which the soldiers had not yet decimated), shamans! And they rode upon Buffalo, as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts - offerings of whiskey and firearms. and when the shamans saw the child they were in awe... for he glowed as if bathed in a light which was truly not of this world."
This is merely the beginning of his tale for much of his story of revenge and killing takes place in his later years for he carried a grudge so pure and evil for not knowing his father he smote many bitches and roamed many a city to carry out the veangence of your sins.
Church Of Alvis - Break out the Whiskey and Ham and don't forget the POMP!!
He was the holiest man ever to slap iron, he killed for your sins, and has been known to turn crappy eggnog into barrels of single malt whiskey. He was ALVIS and Alvians celebrate him at Alvistide. This group is is created for fellow Alvians to post and converse on thier philosophy (who the hell isn't Alvian!) and to get drunk, fighting drunk.
"Drink deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk at which time we shall find and beat the asses of the nonbelievers..." Alvis (book of Capt. Hazel Hank Murphy 21:13)
"Drink deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk at which time we shall find and beat the asses of the nonbelievers..." Alvis (book of Capt. Hazel Hank Murphy 21:13)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)